You might be the person everyone turns to. The reliable one. The caretaker. The one who remembers birthdays, checks in when someone is struggling, and says yes even when you are exhausted.
From the outside, it can look like you have it all together. Inside, you might feel drained, resentful, or quietly invisible. You may find yourself wondering:
Why do I keep showing up for everyone else while abandoning myself?
People pleasing can feel like kindness, but it often comes with a cost: burnout, emotional exhaustion, and a loss of connection to your own needs. In therapy, you can learn how to set boundaries, protect your energy, and stay in relationships without constantly leaving yourself behind.
This is not about becoming selfish. Rather, it is about learning how to include yourself in the care you give.
What People Pleasing Really Is
People pleasing is more than simply being nice or considerate. It is a pattern of putting other people’s needs, emotions, and comfort ahead of your own so often that you lose touch with what you actually want or need.
You might notice that you:
- Say yes when you want to say no
- Apologize for things that are not your fault
- Feel guilty when you set even a small boundary
- Worry that others will be upset with you if you disappoint them
- Feel anxious when someone is unhappy or uncomfortable
Over time, this can make you feel like your relationships depend on you constantly managing other people’s feelings. It can also create a quiet sense of resentment: you keep showing up for everyone else, but who shows up for you?
How People Pleasing Leads to Burnout
When you chronically put others first, you end up spending your emotional energy on everyone else’s needs and squeezing your own needs into whatever time or space is left. Often, there is not much left at all.
This can lead to emotional exhaustion and numbness, trouble sleeping or relaxing, feeling disconnected from your own preferences and desires, increased anxiety or irritability, and feeling unappreciated or taken for granted.
Burnout from people pleasing is not just about doing too much; it is about doing too much in ways that are not aligned with your needs, limits, or values. You might feel like you are constantly pouring from an empty cup.
Where This Pattern Comes From
You did not wake up one day and decide to become a people pleaser. This pattern often develops over time, shaped by your early experiences, environment, and relationships.
You may have learned that:
- Being helpful or easygoing was how you received approval or love
- Speaking up led to conflict, withdrawal, or criticism
- Other people’s needs mattered more than your own
- Keeping the peace was your responsibility
- Focusing on yourself made you “selfish” or “too much”
If you grew up in a home where emotions were unpredictable, where you felt responsible for others’ moods, or where your needs were dismissed, people pleasing may have become a way to feel safe.
At the time, this made sense. It helped you survive emotionally. The problem is that this old strategy is now following you into your adult relationships, even when it is no longer necessary or fair to you.
How People Pleasing Can Lead to Self-Abandonment
Self-abandonment happens when you repeatedly ignore, minimize, or override your own needs and feelings in order to maintain connection with others. It can look like saying “it’s fine” when it is not, staying silent when you are hurt, ignoring your limits in order to be “easy to be with,” making yourself smaller to make others more comfortable, and choosing what keeps the relationship intact instead of what keeps you intact.
In the moment, this can feel like the safest option. You might worry that if you set a boundary, someone will leave, get angry, or think you are difficult.
Over time, though, self-abandonment creates distance from yourself. You may not know what you want, feel invisible even when you are surrounded by people, or feel like no one truly knows you, because you rarely show up as your full self.
Boundaries: What They Are and What They Are Not
Boundaries often get misunderstood. They can sound harsh or selfish, especially if you were taught to prioritize everyone else. In reality, boundaries are simply the limits that protect your emotional, mental, and physical well-being.
Boundaries are the lines that distinguish what is okay and what is not okay for you, a way of honoring your time, energy, and values, a form of honesty in relationships, and a way to stay in connection without losing yourself. They are not punishment, a way to control other people, a sign that you are unkind or uncaring, or a wall that blocks all closeness.
When you set a boundary, you are not saying, “I do not care about you.” You are saying, “I care about you and I also need to care about myself.”
How to Begin Setting Boundaries Without Abandoning Yourself
If you have spent years or decades people pleasing, the idea of setting boundaries can feel scary. You might worry that relationships will fall apart if you stop saying yes all the time.
This does not have to change everything overnight. You can start with small, intentional steps.
Here are a few ways to begin:
- Pause before you say yes
When someone asks for your time, help, or energy, practice pausing for a moment. Ask yourself, “Do I genuinely have the capacity for this?” Giving yourself even a small pause creates space to notice your true answer, rather than saying yes automatically. - Notice the signals in your body
Your body often tells you when a boundary is needed. Tightness in your chest, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or a rush of resentment can all be signals that you are overriding your limits. Instead of pushing past these sensations, try seeing them as information that something needs attention. - Start with low-stakes boundaries
You do not need to start with your most difficult relationship. Practice with situations that feel more manageable, like telling a friend you cannot make a plan or asking for a different meeting time at work. Each time you honor your limits, you teach your nervous system that it is safer than it once was to take care of yourself. - Use simple, clear language
Boundaries do not need to be long explanations. Short, clear statements often work best. For example:- “I cannot do that this week.”
- “I need some time to rest tonight.”
- “I am not available for that conversation right now.”
- Expect discomfort, not disaster
It is normal to feel guilty, anxious, or unsure when you first begin setting boundaries. That discomfort does not mean you are doing something wrong. It means you are doing something new. Over time, your nervous system can learn that you can tolerate this discomfort and still be okay.
What Healthy Boundaries Can Make Possible
When you begin to set boundaries and stop abandoning yourself, your relationships may start to feel different. You might notice that you feel less resentful and more present, you can show up as your authentic self more often, you feel clearer about what you want and need, you have more energy for the people and commitments that truly matter to you, and you are able to receive care and support instead of only giving it.
Healthy boundaries create room for more honest, mutual relationships. They allow people to know the real you, not just the version of you that agrees, complies, and keeps the peace.
How Therapy Can Help You Stop Abandoning Yourself
You do not have to unlearn people pleasing alone. In therapy, you have a space where your needs are allowed to exist without being pushed to the side.
Together, you can:
- Explore where your people pleasing patterns came from
- Understand how they helped you survive in the past
- Notice how they are affecting your life now
- Practice setting boundaries in a supportive, nonjudgmental space
- Build new patterns that let you stay connected without losing yourself
Therapy can become a place where you slowly experience what it is like to be accepted without needing to perform, please, or overgive. Over time, that experience can make it easier to carry these new patterns into your other relationships.
Moving Forward
If you recognize yourself in these patterns of people pleasing, burnout, and self-abandonment, you are not alone. These behaviors often formed in response to very real needs for safety, love, and belonging.
The goal is not to stop caring about others. It is to include yourself in the care you so freely give.
At The Manhattan Psychotherapy Collective, you have space to explore how you arrived here and to practice new ways of relating that honor both your relationships and your own well-being. You can learn how to set boundaries that feel supportive rather than harsh, and how to stay connected without disappearing in the process.
You are allowed to stop abandoning yourself, rest. and take up space in your own life.
Schedule a free consultation with us today.
